Nohomo?

The real nohomo:

"I'm going to say something that might have a chance as being construed as living an alternative lifestyle--that is a lifestyle that is not my own for I am straight--and allow me to further concretize this concept by adding this three syllabled disclaimer at the end, so that we may both acknowledge that perhaps we are breaking the socialized rules for masculinity without actually disrupting the flow of conversation."

The fake nohomo:

"I'm going to add a 'no' in front of any word that begins with homo, including but not limited to: homosapien, homoerectus, homogene, homonym, homophone, et cetera."

Why I don't use the real nohomo:

'cause I'm a grown ass man. What the hell would I look like feeling self-conscious about some young buck imposing his supressed homo-eroticism on my eating a hot dog.

... or standing with my shorts rolled up beneath a flower print bath-robe ...