Hard arteries and bubble gum cigarettes. Episode 6.

Alcohol should not be considered a gateway drug.

I say this because I was stealing cigarettes and smoking weed before I ever had enough alcohol to intoxicate my brain-lobes with.

Mommy wasn't dumb, she knew we childs were bad. She didn't want us finding out something else we couldn't already do just to do it, so the first time I asked to taste the drink she was drinking, she leaned the cup towards me and I burnt my mouth, chest and lungs with it.

"What's that," I asked her.
"Alcohol," she said.
"I'm never drinking that stuff again," I vowed.

But I didn't know I would be 11 one day. So 11ness came and we had a 6th grade field trip where Mommy gave me $20 for food and games. I had her make me a sandwich in case they didn't have anything I liked, and once I got there, I didn't touch one game.

I waited 'til school got out, got my stuff to spend the night at Josh's apartment, and convinced Ashley's older brother to buy us one 40 oz each if we bought one for him and his friend. He got us the beer and I didn't get any change.

It didn't matter. Miller Genuine Draft. High Life. You didn't even know they ever had 40's of that. But don't trip, I am generous with my knowledge.

Down goes a 40 into an 11 year old's body, and down a grassy hill he goes. The first thing I learned about drunkeness: if you ever get dizzy, the world won't stop spinning 'til you fall asleep.

I didn't know you could remedy the nausea by washing your face in the toilet yet.

Edit: Hang-overs were the second thing I learned about drinking.

Edit Part Deux: When I confessed to that in high school, my mom said she already knew too. Josh's neighbor saw and told her. We went to church together. What a snitch.